On August 18th I got in the car at 3 am and drove from Seymour to Milwaukee to catch an early morning flight. I was on my way to Missoula, Montana to surprise Alex and see him perform with the Missoula Children's Theater. Every year he goes away for a musical theater camp. This was his third year attending, and this year he "graduated" to a 2 week camp which ends in multiple community performances at the theater. I couldn't bear the idea that he would be performing and I would miss it, so away I went! He didn't know I was coming, so I was a bit nervous at his response. Would he be happy? Mortified? Monotone? Would he even recognize me???? ;)
Anyway, it was a long flight to get there. I flew 2 airlines and went through Phoenix and Seattle to finally land in sleepy hollow - I mean "Missoula". I have lots of photos to share with you about Missoula, but I would describe it as a beautiful little town in the valley of the mountains. It has a perfect balance of "trend" and "tradition" and even has a little river running through it (see photo below). I could live there, but heck - I think I can make any place a home.
During my adventure I realized I was all alone. I know many people won't think that is profound, but I am never alone. And frankly, I didn't like the feeling. It isn't that I was scared or felt inadequate for travel...I don't mind getting on a plane or in a car and just finding my way through New York City. This was the feeling of panic and fear of not having anything to do. I am such a busy body and I always have so much to work on. Here - in Missoula - I had nothing. I purchased 2 novels in the airport, and this excited me, since reading is something I love and have not been able to do much since having little ones around. But I read them both quite quickly. So now what? I went out to explore the town. (pictures will be posted shortly)
But let me back up. After I traveled all day, I arrived in Missoula at 8pm. After getting my rental car and checking into my hotel, it was after 9pm. I guess I could go to bed. At 9pm? And without any children or my hubby with me? Hmmmmm...
The next morning I woke up early. 6am. Why, you ask? I have not a clue. Probably due to the lack of little feet kicking me in the nose, or realizing that something was wrong when I didn't have one of the girls crawl in under my arm in the middle of the night. Whatever it was, I was awake. I took a shower and got ready to travel the 3/4 mile from my hotel room to MCT. In hindsight, I should have taken the opportunity for a brisk morning walk. Instead I drove in my rented Subaru Outback.
As I pulled out of the hotel parking lot, my stomach was in knots. I was so worried that I was going to embarrass Alex, or that he wouldn't want me there. I should have known better, the was Alex afterall (has anyone ever seen that kid embarrassed?). I paced back and forth in the lobby of MCT waiting for him to arrive. I saw him across the hall and he looked right at me. It was funny because he looked confused, like he couldn't place me. Of course, why would his mom be there? And then he was like "MOM!" and he ran over and gave me a hug. Sigh of relief. He did say "Does this mean I can't stay at Ben's house tonight?". Once I assured him that he would still be able to spend the night with his friend and be with his host family, I could tell he was excited that I was there.
Seeing him perform and taking him and his friends out to Perkins until midnight after the musical made me refelct a lot of things. He has really grown up. I mean REALLY grown up. Quite honestly, I realized sadly that my work is pretty much done with him. I mean, I know that he still has a ways to go before he is an adult and on his own, but at almost 14 years old, the foundation of who he is going to be is pretty well laid. We might do some tweaking and learning to guide his behavior and decision making throughout his teen years, but who he is with his ethics, morals and standards? That work is already completed.
So the thoughts roll through my mind...did I do a good enough job? Did I play enough legos with him, or was I more worried about putting a load of laundry in? Does he remember the times we spent (just Mackenzie, him and I) taking the long drive to California to spend a day at Disney? Did I take the time to answer his little questions, or did I brush them aside to do more "important" things, like the dishes? So many days I worried that I was just cleaning noses, changing sheets, wiping countertops, picking up toys, and rocking babies to sleep...it was so much more than that.
For all the mothers out there who doubt themselves each and every day, feeling as though you can never do enough - raising children is such a beautiful selfless act. So many moments are felt with guilt for all the things not done in a day - hitting the gym, taking a new class, studying, making "mommy" friends, serving others. But what we are doing is developing ourselves and our children to a higher level of godliness - nurturing, patience, long suffering, charity - these are all the things that we have been put on earth to learn.
What I realize is that I am becoming all I wanted to be and more. I may not get paid with money for being a mother, but seeing this fine young man before me makes me realize the worth of raising a child is great in the sight of God. Something worth more than money can buy.
So tonight I just sit and relfect from my thinking in Missoula...counting my blessings and full of hope, wonder and love.
.jpg)
No comments:
Post a Comment